Wedding Traditions (That You Totally Don’t Need to Do)

If you’ve ever planned a wedding, chances are you’ve heard a million and one things that you’re “supposed” to do, that you “need” to do, traditions you “must” incorporate in your day. But I’m here to tell you that, frankly, that’s all a bunch of crap. 🙂 While looking at what other people did for their wedding, blogs, websites, guide books, etc, can be useful for constructing a general schedule and layout for the day, you should ultimately do the things that are important to YOU and lose the rest. So many wedding traditions were started long, long ago and no longer hold the same relevance or, in some cases, practicality that they once did. Sometimes the symbolism is completely lost in a modern wedding, or sometimes it’s something the couples doesn’t even necessarily AGREE with or believe in, but they’ve seen it done and so they follow suit. Here’s just a sampling of things that you “MUST DO” at your wedding and my thought process behind why you really don’t need to. 😉

#1: Waiting Until the Ceremony to See Each Other! The superstition here is that seeing each other before the ceremony puts bad luck on the marriage. Some couples don’t even see each other for the whole day, opting to spend the night before in different bedrooms or different locations altogether. Supposedly this tradition started when many marriages were arranged, and waiting to see each other until the ceremony helped guarantee that the groom wouldn’t back out. Not such a sweet, meaningful history, eh? That being said, there’s benefits to both sides. If you’ve always envisioned waiting until that special moment during the ceremony to see each other, surrounded by family and friends, then that is awesome! But doing a First Look before the ceremony has so many amazing positive aspects to it. 1) It helps with nerves. No matter what, you’re going to be nervous on your wedding day. It’s a huge celebration, you’ve been planning for months (or years), and you’ve got a group of family and friends just waiting for you to get up and say your vows in front of them. It’s intense and awesome. Seeing each other beforehand can remind both of you that you’re in this together. You get a few minutes to get those jitters out — to laugh, to cry, to say “holy crap, this is finally the day”. 2) You get to have a much more intimate time seeing each other. When you wait until you’re in the midst of the ceremony, you don’t really have the chance to react like you might want to. You can’t spin each other around to see your outfits, you can’t hug, you can’t jump up and down and scream with excitement. Doing a First Look means you not only get this chance, but you have photographs to boot. Win win! 3) You get a few minutes alone, which you most likely won’t have until the day is over. We do the First Look in as secluded a spot as possible, and I stay as out of the way as I can, so you get to have 5 or 10 minutes alone… a rarity in the chaos of a wedding day. 🙂 4) You’ll still have an amazingly emotional experience seeing each other at the ceremony. Many people worry that doing a First Look takes away from that… but every single couple I’ve photographed who has done a First Look has agreed that the ceremony was still a magical time.

#5 Another less common benefit? You can walk down the aisle together. 🙂

#2: The Bride Taking the Groom’s Last Name! This modern tradition, which is still extremely common (at least in New England, where I photograph most of my weddings), originates from a time when a bride was, essentially, the property of the groom, and giving up her last name was another way of relinquishing her own identity to embrace her husband’s. Again, I am of the belief that it’s a personal choice, and one you should thoroughly think about before committing one way or another. I will admit that when I was married 5 years ago, I didn’t think much of it, and took my husband’s last name. While I don’t regret my decision, I wish I had gone into it with more conviction. While I’d say 90%, at least, of my couples go with the grain of this tradition, I do see couples keeping each of their last names, grooms taking their wives’ names, couples who combine both of their last names to make a new name, couples who choose an older family name as their last names, people who hyphenate their last names, and people who make up a last name on their own. It’s important to know what the options are, and to know that you can do anything that makes you happy!

#3 The Couple Sitting Separately from Their Guests! I am not sure where this originated, but it’s always seemed a bit odd to me. The advantage, of course, is that you’re somewhat separated from the hustle and bustle of the reception and you can spend more quality time alone. But I know many couples feel distanced from the friends and relatives who they were so eager to spend time with. Ultimately I say ignore what any traditions or etiquette tell you and sit wherever you like! If you want to have your own “sweetheart table”, go for it, and enjoy your solo time chatting and flirting over dinner! If you want to sit with your wedding party and enjoy being near your closest friends and family, awesome! But if you’re like me, you’d rather be right in the middle of the action, close enough to talk and tell stories with your family and friends who traveled from near and far to be with you. Do whatever makes you happy!

#4 Spending Zero Time Alone! This isn’t so much a tradition as just something that very commonly happens at weddings. You’re with people while you get ready, you’re surrounded by people during the ceremony, you do family photos, you go into the reception… you’re always surrounded by guests and family and you, more often than not, have no time to yourselves. Poppycock! There is a Jewish tradition called yichud which some of my couples have adopted, Jewish or not. The word itself is Hebrew for “togetherness” or “seclusion”, and it’s when the couple disappears for anywhere from 5-20 minutes or so after the ceremony to have some alone time. While this requires some planning on your part to make sure we still have ample time for family and wedding party photos, it’s an AMAZING tradition that I think every couple should utilize in one way or another. It can be easy to get lost in the busyness of the day, and this allows you to spend a short chunk of time focusing on nothing but each other.

#5 The Garter Removal, Garter Toss, and Bouquet Toss! Supposedly the garter toss comes from an old tradition where in order to prove that the couple consummated the marriage, there had to be witnesses in the room to obtain “proof”, such as undergarments. This moved from the bedroom to the ceremony, where guests may snatch at the bride’s clothing for a piece, as proof of the marriage. Eventually it turned into a garter toss to stop people from ripping and tearing at the bride for a piece of good luck. The bouquet toss is similarly an effort for people to grab a little bit of the bride’s good luck, and supposedly the person to catch the bouquet will be the next to be married. I’m not sure where the actual garter removal tradition got started — I assume as a more modern spin on “consummating” the marriage — but more often than not it can just be uncomfortable for everyone involved, especially with so many DJs encouraging the groom to go “higher and higher” to find the garter.  If these traditions sound fun to you, by all means, rock it — but you’re certainly not required to! Many people dislike the idea of being the center of attention more than they have to, some want to avoid any awkward pairings (since whoever catches the garter is supposed to put it on whoever catches the bouquet), and some simply don’t want to “call out” their single friends, especially if a majority of your friends and family are married! A sweet alternative could be gifting the bouquet to someone special — a best friend, grandmother, or your mom!

#6 The Father “Giving Away” the Bride! This is one of the most outdated traditions in my opinion, coming from the days when a woman was her father’s property until she was married (and then she was her husband’s property). This can still be a really sweet gesture — not so much having your father literally transfer his ownership, but simply having your dad, who may be extremely important to you, walk you down the aisle during your ceremony. But some people aren’t close with their fathers, didn’t grow up with a father, or have fathers who passed away. My father passed away when I was 15. He wasn’t able to be present at my own wedding, so my brother — the most important man in my life — walked me down the aisle. Other options that are gaining popularity are having both parents walk you down the aisle, walking with just your mother, having a father and stepfather walk you down the aisle (or mother and stepfather, father and stepmother, etc), a sibling, another family member, a good friend, walking down the aisle as a couple, or walking down the aisle alone. All are awesome and valid options, so take time to think about which would mean the most to you!

#7 Smashing the Cake! There are all kinds of incarnations of wedding cake traditions. Originally, the groom broke a loaf of barley bread over the bride’s head, showering her with crumbs and reminding her of his male dominance while guests scrambled for their own bits of bread for good luck. This evolved when cake became a more popular option for weddings — the cake was sliced and the bride would pass tiny morsels through her wedding ring to eager guests, also for good luck. Eventually cake was sliced for guests to take home and put under their beds, for good luck and for women to have sweet dreams of their future husbands (yawn). I’m not sure how exactly this morphed into cake being smashed into each others’ faces, but it happened. As with everything on this list, if it makes you happy, go for it — but make sure you’re both aware of the possibility, and okay with it, before surprising someone with a whole bunch of fondant up their nose in front of 100 guests. 😉

#8 Wearing a Veil! People in ancient Rome thought that evil spirits would be attracted to the bride, so she wore a veil to conceal her features and confuse them. Supposedly the veil tradition continued into the days of arranged marriages, so the groom would only see her face once the veil was lifted and wouldn’t have a chance to back out. Nowadays I think it is more of a fashion and style preference, but ladies, don’t feel the pressure to wear one! If you’ve always pictured yourself with a gorgeous veil, there are SO many amazing options, and they really are beautiful (and photograph well!). But if the idea of trailing a veil behind you, getting it snagged on things, and making sure no one hugs you too tight for fear of it being ripped out of your hair (or hoping the wind isn’t too strong) makes you uncomfortable… skip it. There’s also so many cute shorter options for veils and accessories: birdcage veils, flowers (real or fake), head bands, tiaras… or nothing at all!

#9 Gender-Specific Wedding Parties! So many people are so hung up on not only having the wedding parties be perfectly symmetrical in size, but in gender as well. There HAS to be exactly 5 bridesmaids and 5 groomsmen just for the sake of matching. Why? If this works for you — if the x-number of people you picture standing with you on your wedding day are the same gender as you — AWESOME! But so many people — myself included — would rather have mixed gender wedding parties, and why the hell not? My friend Matt was honored to stand with my best ladies, and he was even thrilled to wear rose pink to match. 😉 It’s totally okay to have a lopsided wedding party, it’s okay to have girls on the groom’s side or guys on the bride’s side or ALL guys with the groom and ALL girls with the bride (or vice versa), it’s okay to have just one person on each side or 5 or 10 or 20. Do what makes you happy, include the people you love, and ignore any rules that say otherwise!

#10 Bridesmaids All Wearing the Same Dresses/Color! This tradition goes hand in hand with the veil tradition — it was an effort to confuse the evil spirits by all wearing the same dress. Nowadays I think it has again boiled down to a fashion/style preference, but when it comes down to it, not every dress is made for every body type. Plus, I think having some variety makes things interesting! I’ve seen bridesmaids in totally different styles AND colors, in the same color scheme but different colors (say all wearing shades of blue, or shades of pink), in the exact same color but different styles, or even in an ombré or rainbow pattern. Another option could be having bridesmaids wear the same dress but able to accessorize with whatever they’d like — different shoes, different colored cardigans/wraps, different jewelry, different hairstyles, etc! Or you can have all the bridesmaids wear a neutral colored dress (black, grey, cream) and have colored accessories on a theme. Heck, your bridesmaids can even wear pants or suits if they want! All are awesome! It’s worth considering that your bridesmaids will love it if they’re able to wear a dress that truly reflects their personality and style, and one that complements their unique body type as well! Not to mention the fact that they’ll be excited to keep the dress and wear it again. 🙂

#11 Wearing a White Dress! Made popular by Queen Victoria in the 19th century, wearing a white dress is arguably the most iconic of all wedding traditions. In the Middle Ages, it was common for brides to wear all kinds of rich colors and fabrics on their wedding day, especially if they were from wealthy families. Even the poorest of brides wore their best dress on their wedding day, which didn’t need to be white. Black was especially popular in Scandinavia (let’s bring that back!). Even after Queen Victoria’s wedding, it was still commonplace to match your dress to the era’s styles, with dresses in the 20s being typically short in the front with longer trains in back. It wasn’t until the 1960s that women reverted back to wearing full-skirted dresses reminiscent of the Victorian era. Many people assume that the color white is intended to signify purity and virginity, but it was actually blue that was most connected to faithfulness and the Virgin Mary. Today, white dresses — specifically LONG white dresses — are still very popular, but there’s no need. Wedding dresses can be in absolutely ANY color or style that you’d like, and don’t even need to be dresses at all! I’ve seen brides in pant suits, blue dresses, orange dresses, multi-colored rainbow dresses, jeans and a button-down… it’s all a reflection of YOUR style and YOUR personality, and if that means a long white dress with a train, ROCK IT. 🙂 If you want to mostly keep with the white dress tradition but spice it up a bit, consider having an ombré dress (white but gradually fading to color at the bottom), a white dress with colored tulle peeking out from the bottom, a white dress with colored accents, adding a colored cardigan or pashmina, or having a pop of color in the form of fantastic shoes!

#12 Cake! Couples having a cake at their wedding was a natural progression from baked goods and bread. I would personally much rather have delicious cake at my wedding than a loaf of bread, but I’ll take my carbs in any form. 😉 There’s absolutely nothing outdated about this, but truth be told, not everyone likes cake! Don’t feel like you need to have a lavish, 5-tier wedding cake covered in tasteless fondant and shaped like an intricate castle. When you think of your absolute favorite dessert, what comes to mind? Whatever it is, HAVE THAT AS YOUR DESSERT! If it’s cannolis, awesome! If it’s cupcakes, great! If it’s doughnuts, fantastic! If you can’t decide, have a dessert buffet with brownies, cookies, and cakes! Have your family and friends bring whatever their famous dessert is! Have a whole display of homemade pies! Have jars of candy with little baggies and scoops for guests to enjoy! The sky is the freaking limit and this has got to be the funnest thing to plan for your wedding day. For my own wedding? We had around 200 vegan cupcakes of different flavors, a candy bar with mostly retro candy, AND a chocolate fondue station with about 15 different things to dip into it. Our guests just about lost their MINDS.

All in all, this post is certainly not meant to knock any of the traditions that exist. Ultimately, as long as couples planning their wedding are HAPPY and feel good about their choices, more power to them. But don’t ever feel like you’re restricted in your planning, or like your whole wedding is already planned before you get a chance to. Customize it, personalize it, make it your own, inject as much of your personality and style as you can, and just HAVE FUN! 😀